Two identities inside one body

I’ve always envied painfree smiles. I mean, how on Earth is it physically and emotionally possible to be that happy! Where does this extreme sense of happiness come from? Why can I not experience such extreme sense of joy?

But then I realise they wear a mask, each one of them. A mask to display to the outside world. A mask that covers up the heart’s deepest sorrows.
Like an actor in a theatre playing two different roles.

I still don’t understand why we feel the need to conceal our true feelings.
I envy my childhood when I laughed when I wanted to and cried when I wanted to. Without any judgement, without any embarrassment.

As we grow into adults, we fear to express our feelings, to openly present our true selves to the people around us, so we wear a mask and live two different lives in one body.


Decorating Mania series 1

I obsess way too much over decorating in the most intricate manner! Whether it involves placing a wooden rocking horse in the centre of a dessert table, or trying to perfectly sprinkle confetti without it looking too messy.

The picture above depicts my love for vibrant, capturing colours, especially when it involves a little princess’s birthday party. I adore the pinks and purples with a pinch of gold and silver, it all turns into a little imaginary fairytale for me, I try to stay focused and not lose myself pondering over how perfect it all looks!

Here is a little jigsaw icing cake I baked for a little princess’s first birthday. It was my first attempt at baking and decorating a cake however, I think I did pretty well. I sprayed on some edible glitter to finish it off and it ended up looking so magical!

I hope you enjoyed the first series of ‘decorating mania’. Stay tuned for the next chapter!

A’s Scrapbook

Procrastinating – lockdown and my experience

As I was sitting, sipping my tea I began to procrastinate about this whole covid, lockdown experience. Initially when this whole thing started, I did not take it seriously at all. I remember being at work and overhearing conversations between staff members of how school is going to close down on Friday due to the virus. I was ecstatic to be very honest. Who minds having two weeks off from school? Especially as the Easter holidays were approaching, making it a total of four weeks!

As the days went on, I started reading more and more news articles about the virus, I mean I did have a lot of free time, I wasn’t exactly working and I had no responsibilities on me. The more I read, and the more I heard on the news channels, the more anxious and depressed I started to become.

I remember that one night I snuck into my bed and pulled the blanket over me and all of a sudden I felt I couldn’t breathe, I was suffering a panic attack. I was so frightened, I was so worried, for myself and for the ones I cared for.

This whole virus thing was really getting to me. The following morning, I woke up with a very high temperature and my entire body was aching. I couldn’t eat anything and I vividly remember vomiting almost every hour. The following four days were hell for me. I had never experienced anything like it.

But I’ll have to admit, those days when I was feeling so ill, I remember thanking God for all the little things he had blessed me with, which I didn’t usually appreciate.

As the days went on, I started to miss my friends and family so so much. That is when I begun to reliase the importance of these people in my life.

I started to miss my job, the staff I worked with and the children that I taught. I then started thanking God for all these smaller blessings, which I’d never been grateful for before, or to be precise the things I’d previously overlooked.

I started thinking about all the people who were still working admist this terrible virus putting their own lives at stake. I then started to appreciate all these workers who were not as significant for me before the virus had taken over.

Procrastinating… I realised just how blessed I am. For my amazing family, my very precious friends, my job, my health and everything God has blessed me with.

So, even though this virus has had a very very negative consequence collectively around the globe, with the number of precious lives that have been lost, there is also a lot to be learnt from this experience, and for me this whole experience has changed me as a person, someone who is much more grateful for all the little blessings in life.

A’s Scrapbook

Rip Me Out Of My Fantasies…

We long for a love that is perfect, the ones we see in fairytales. We fantasise a delusory love story, the ones we see in films and novels. We begin to dream deeply and desire for a soul mate who is just as perfect as the ideal lover of our dreams.

We begin to fantasise pretty awfully. The man of your dreams appearing in a horse and carriage gracefully dressed in the purest of white, swiping you off your feet.

We obsess over a love so strong, where nothing can ever go wrong. A love so strong, you lose yourselves in each other. You both entwine in each other’s souls. A love where your happiness has no boundaries and your heart blooms with joy. A love where your eyes glisten and speak a thousand unsaid words of love.

Only if a love like that did not have to be a mere fantasy… Oh how I wish we could have a love as pure as that.

– A’s Scrapbook

A New Chapter…

Just for you…

This one is for you…

How delicate are you. I’m afraid to hold you, for I do not want to hurt you. You are so breathtakingly beautiful. I struggle to find the words to appreciate you, but I’ll try anyway…

How you are wrapped so gently in shades of pinks and purples, your aroma floating ever so gracefully in the air. I wish I could keep hostage of you forever, but I am afraid I’ll have to let you go before you wither, as I will never be able to forgive myself for being such a cruel lover.

I will remember you, remember you forever…

– A’s Scrapbook

The Memories Come Flooding Back In….

It is rather strange, I feel.

How a single, unimportant picture can trigger your involuntary explicit memory and take you back into that exact episode of your life, with those very specific feelings you encountered during that particular phase of your life. A thousand memories you think you got rid of come rushing back…

Whilst places, people and things change, pictures stand still, along with all the memories they’ve captured. As if they are there to stay forever, even when the mind likes to believe those memories have been erased. So, I gaze at these pictures, every once in a while and I lose my focus and get lost…

Lost in those days… Lost in those nights…. And I leave my present behind and travel back in time. My heart aches and I feel uneasy. But, I’ll keep these, I’ll keep these close to me. As though I don’t want to let go, and every once in a long while, I like to get lost in these moments, to fill my heart with all that I left behind…

– A’s Scrapbook

She Called It Home…

Lying on the pavement under the thin ragged blanket her great-grandmother had knitted for her when she was young. As you can imagine, it wasn’t large enough to cover her feet, but it was sufficient, sufficient enough to block away a little bit of wind and rain on a stormy, wintry night.
The days passed by very slowly for her. She would often ponder what it would feel like to be them. Them she referred to as all the people, who had smiles on their faces, unlimited laughter, and most importantly had people to talk to.
She didn’t desire fancy clothes, a lavish lifestyle or anything as such.
Her heart yearned for her late husband, who had recently passed from a terrible lung disease. She described her life as perfect when her husband was alive. They were companions, not perfect, but always there for each other. They fought their struggles in true companionship. He never let her shed a tear, he made sure she was happy. He couldn’t give her a luxurious lifestyle, he didn’t have the money to, but he knew his care and comfort would be sufficient enough to keep her happy on the long stormy nights when all they had was each other, and that was what she called home. Her perfect little world, with her perfect, simple companion.